i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
