You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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