I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I have post one night stand depression
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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