Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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