speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
