Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
