I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
