So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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