what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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