i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
