apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
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