Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
