dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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