1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Randomize
