xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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