Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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