Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
