just come out here and I will go home with you...
I just cut my nipple shaving
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
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Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
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Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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