allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Congratulations! We have a period
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