I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Randomize
