All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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