Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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