guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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