Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Randomize
