I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
