There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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