SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
