I murdered the dance floor call the cops
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize
