Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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