The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i drank out of a bidet.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
