I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
