I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
