I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
