someone threw a dead crab at me
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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