Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
