Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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