I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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