while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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