if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
