Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
