Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
