he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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