He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3