I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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