My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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