my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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