if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
