I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
