bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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