I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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