how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
i've created a new STD.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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