I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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