just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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