ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
