Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we have officially lost it.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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