Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
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