no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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