So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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