Someone shit on the floor
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
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