just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
