Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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