i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
